Thoughtfulness Training: How Do We Teach Kids to Care

This morning in bed having cuddles, Luca, my 7 year-old son, told me my stomach was like a football stadium. He pointed out that my tummy goes a really long way up before plunging down (bellybutton) into the inner stadium. I tried to laugh. I know it didn’t occur to him that this wasn’t exactly thrilling news for me.

I believe that, if we want our kids to have respect and appreciation for others and the environment, we have to first teach them how to be thoughtful.

Thoughtlessness crops up everywhere. In our office at work, a cheery young workman asked our permission to climb out of our window, onto the roof. We said yes. To our surprise, he brought in some large power tools and another workmate. They then climbed in and out of the window several times –- heaving, crashing and kicking boots on the wall — and stomped around our formerly-quiet office as they searched for a power plug, not thinking to acknowledge the intrusion. They left the window open to the chilly breeze and when they were finished, left dirty boot marks on the white wall and window ledge. It had been a job for the next-door office. They didn’t clean up. My work colleague jokingly commented: “Some people’s children!” and I did catch myself wondering if his mother would have been horrified.

Thoughtfulness is fundamental. The Confucian philosophy of personal identity suggests that ‘self’ is seen as the focus of concentric circles, starting with family and fanning out to community, then country, then the whole world. As parents, we can actively practise thoughtfulness at home. A child who ignores his dog’s distress can have no true concept of the planet in distress.

Here are some thoughtfulness practises we have adopted at home:

1. Looking after a pet

Last year, I caught myself becoming co-feeder of Luca’s 2 cats. I realised this only when the cats began caterwauling at me first thing in the morning. Invariably, Luca had become distracted by something else and I unconsciously picked up his job of feeding them. When I noticed it, I must admit my first reaction was to yell over the cats’ meowing: “LUCA! Would you just FEED those DAMNED CATS!!!!” But (surprisingly!) he forgot again the next day. So I began to describe how the cats get anxious when they are hungry past their normal feeding time. If Luca complained of hunger I would say, “Yep – let’s get that sorted. It’s great that you also make sure your cats don’t feel like this for too long, isn’t it? They feel so happy when you look after them.” We also take opportunities to talk about the cats’ body language and enjoy their different moods as they interact with the family.

2. Reading books out loud

Sharing books together provides a wonderful opportunity to pause and discuss the feelings of the characters. The ability for the parent to ‘feel’ the characters and act them out while reading is an essential part of this. Portraying the emotions realistically and reacting to the characters’ feelings demonstrates empathy and a willingness to put ourselves into another’s world.

3. Our attitude to less-able family members

My 86-year old grandmother had some health issues a year ago, which put strain on the whole family. My husband often discussed with Luca how difficult this must have been for her, how sad she was and how special it was for him to make her smile, do a job for her or simply be patient. It was an invaluable learning experience for us all.

4. Open discussion of feelings

I had tears in my eyes yesterday when my husband relayed a conversation between himself and Luca. I had had a lot on my mind the previous few days and, panicking about getting to work on time, was short, and snapped at both of them. When I had left, Luca said: “Dad, whenever Mum gets mad, I can see that you get a sad look on your face.” Hearing it this clearly expressed was a shock for me. Sitting down with him last night, I asked Luca how it made him feel seeing his Dad looking sad. He immediately replied “Also sad.” I (gulping) fessed up that when I’m irritated, I’m not caring about how the two of them are feeling — and this is thoughtless. We’ve adopted a practise with Luca when he’s being off-hand or demanding, by saying: “Hang on, what’s a nicer way you can say that to make everyone feel ok?” After yesterday, I’m going to ask them to say it to me — trusting that when I’m stressed, I’m not going to tell them where to put their stupid question!

5. Good manners

I must admit I’m a stickler for manners. Much as I try not to, with my British-stock upbringing I can be easily offended by their absence — so I’m working on not being self-righteous about them. With Luca we describe good manners as a gift to others. Whenever we’re visiting people and Luca is polite, makes conversation, says his ‘pleases’, and thanks his hosts for having him, we make time on the way home to talk about how good he made them feel. Likewise, we describe good table manners and appreciation of the food as a gift to the person who cooked.

So while I did let the football stadium incident go (my husband was trying not to snigger and it was pretty funny), I asked Luca not to tell his friend’s mother that her nose looks like an awesome ski jump and, for goodness’ sake, to take his boots off when he climbs through windows!

Author, Andrea Deely is the Community Manager for MiniMonos (“Little Monkeys” in Spanish), a fun kids’ virtual world, based on generosity and sustainability. We’d love you to come and explore MiniMonos Island as it’s being developed — it’s free — and each person who gives us feedback in October will give back to a child in need.